I’m starting to understand that all my addictions stem back to one thing. My lack of self love and self worth. I can now also see how codependency is my main addiction. It’s the addiction controlling all the other addictions. All the anxiety and worry about not being loved, not perfect enough, not good enough – I thought I could control it. One of the ways I would do that was by numbing with different substances.
Control meant not feeling the pain anymore. If I felt like I could control my circumstances everything seemed more doable. Control seemed like protection. But it also kept me from healing relationships with people in my life, from boyfriends to friends to parents. I thought standing up for myself was not allowed and would lead to me being abandoned again, which was worse than staying silent and not being heard.
Hold on to the relationship for dear life, no matter what. “They still haven’t figured out that I’m unlovable, I will never meet someone else, and they needed me.” That was my drug right there. Feeling needed. That felt like love to me. I loved helping. I wanted to make sure that no one else ever felt as abandoned and alone as I had.
The more issues a person had the better. I got to put on that Superhero Codependency Cape and sprint to action. Staying busy with other people’s problems meant that I didn’t have time to focus on my own. Don’t stop long enough to feel. Go, go, go! Don’t let that feeling of doom catch up. And I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it. A totally hidden belief system until recently.
Alcohol was great for that too. I was a pretty happy drunk. I always wanted to dance and have fun and make sure everyone else around me was having a great time too. If I saw somebody next to the dance floor looking gloomy and sad, I would swoop them up and swing them around to make sure they had an amazing time. My heart would soar when I could change a frown to a smile. Mission accomplished! Ta daaaa!!
But I never wanted to go home. Never. Didn’t want that good feeling to end. If my body “failed me” by having the audacity to feel nauseous or tired, I would simply go throw up and then order my trusted level-up drink, the Red Bull Vodka. Problem controlled and handled! Party on! I could keep helping people and again distract myself from my inner wounded child.
The next day would be awful for me, because I would often get so drunk that I couldn’t remember exactly what I had said to people, word for word. The anxiety would rage freely until I was able to get in touch with everyone I had met the previous day or just convinced by my husband that I had not been a complete asshole and that no one was mad at me. It would take me about a week to recover. Going through the stages that “I will never drink again”, to having greasy pizza to temporarily cure the nausea, to slowly recovering during the week as I was trying so hard to control my environment that I had no other choice than to “treat myself” again when the next weekend rolled around. Everyone else was doing it. But I knew in my heart that I was different.
Oh, I can also see how the cigarettes just loved being my codependency’s best friend. (As I am writing I get so many aha moments. It’s so healing, I’m so glad I have found this tool and that I now feel free to use it). Someone was mean to me? “Here, let’s go outside for a little while and relax. I got ya!! Then we can come back in again and try to control the situation”. The cigarettes checked all the best-friend boxes for me. Reliable. Dependable. Loving. Comforting. Good listener. Held my hand when I was sad and could also take a party to the next level. Just like that! I was in charge. I was never alone because I always had my trusted friend by my side.
But I finally realized that I had been deceived all along. My trusted friend was actually killing me. Thank you, Allen Carr’s Easy Way To Quit Smoking for Women, for making me see that willpower and control was not the way to quit smoking. It was by seeing past the brainwashing that I finally was able to get free. Wow, I’m so grateful that I’m waking up to codependency running the whole show now. Not feeling worthy or lovable has helped these addictions and warped beliefs get so rooted in me. Same thing with my addiction to sugar and fat. If I really loved myself, I wouldn’t eat a pint of ice cream and then go digging for my next fix while my body is yelling at me to stop.
I’m excited. I get to look codependency in the eye, with the depression and anxiety as front runners, and say thank you for protecting me all these years, but I’ll take it from here. I’m ready to do the healing work and dig deep. Love that little traumatized 7-year-old girl inside me back to health. Show her that it’s safe to come out now. We no longer have to control every situation because by coming from a place of love and making choices with that mindset, we will surround ourselves with compassionate and supportive people. By really building that love and trust in myself I will grow a little stronger every day.
I’m so grateful to be allowed to speak my truth now. I feel like I have taken the lid off the Pandora’s box of my life. By bringing the trauma out into the light, it is no longer scary. Brené Brown says in The Power of Vulnerability that shame can only grow in the shadows and I can attest to that.
I feel like I have so much to offer this world. So much to give. I have such a bright light inside of me just waiting to be freed. I was told in a reading once that I was suffocating that light. I’m so sorry for that. It just felt safer. More controlled. Because I knew, that if I started talking, the trauma would come out and I couldn’t control what would happen next.
But I’m learning to relinquish control a little more every day. To trust that the Universe has my back and that every step will reveal itself at the perfect time. I’m peaking my head out, and from what I can see from under the cover of my heavy wet codependency blanket, the world is a beautiful place to live, and I have a choice to take that blanket off and enjoy it. I remind myself multiple times a day: I am enough. I matter. I am loved. Little by little I’m starting to believe it.
Does any of this resonate with you? Awake something inside of you? Any aha moments? Please comment below or send me a private message. I’d love to hear from you!
Huge shoutout to Jessica Eileen Drogosz Photography who took the picture back in Evanston, IL in 2014. I was pregnant with our sweet Edna, and our sunshine Henrik’s so little, time really flies. Thank you for capturing this precious moment in time. I will treasure it forever.
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