Addiction Whack-a-mole

Whack-a-mole life. Does that sound like your life?

Confession time. Years ago, when I came to terms with having issues with alcohol, I connected with a wonderful friend of mine and her first question was, “What did you move on to?”, I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I thought I had beat my addiction by quitting both alcohol and cigarettes years prior. I thought I had it under control. Little did I know that my habit of overdoing pretty much everything had just moved on to the next thing.

Whack-a-mole life

I started taking a hard look at my life. What was I overdoing now? I had let an eager gym salesman convince me to get a membership and worked out so often and so hard that I literally fainted. I could watch 6 episodes of Parenthood without a break, even though I’ve seen it twice before. I could stay up until 3 working on my blog. And don’t get me started on how much time I spend on my phone. Everything around me just disappears when I let “The Mole” lead, so to speak.

During Covid, my new obsession became food and sweets. I was so ashamed (how can a food blogger not have a perfectly healthy relationship with food?). At first, I didn’t even notice. That’s what everyone was doing, right? With all this time on our hands, what else can we do but cook and bake? Ha, ha! At least it was vegan, I told myself. It can’t be that bad…

The difference for me is that I’ve misplaced my “stop gauge”. Or I’ve learned to ignore it and press on. “Don’t want to stop. I’ll feel like crap tomorrow, anyway, so just have a little more. The damage is done. Didn’t we have chips somewhere from that birthday party last month? What happened to that pint of Ben & Jerry’s Dairy-Free Double Fudge Brownie? I’ll start fresh tomorrow…” I’d finish a bowl without even tasting it and was already considering what to get next.

See, I’m the kind of person who can’t have just one beer, one cigarette or one piece of chocolate. Oh no, I’ll absentmindedly devour the whole vegan chocolate bar, then find myself rummaging through the back of the refrigerator for a week-old croissant, thinking it’s a fabulous idea to shove some chocolate chips inside it and heat it up in the oven at 10 pm. Maybe this will be the thing that makes me feel happy/calm/relaxed/rewarded.

“It’s a treat. I deserve it! It’s been a long week. The kids argued all day, and it’s my turn for a break. When I had a 9 to 5, I got a lunch break, and I was funny and my brain kind of worked. Just think of all the cake I’m missing by staying home” Ha, ha! Oh, I come up with the best excuses to overdo things. And I totally forget that I love my life and being home with my kids is the best decision I’ve ever made. But in the moment “The Mole” has chucked reason out the window and I’m “in the zone.” I’m not running the ship anymore.

Happy now

The point is that I’m not happy with how my body feels now and I want to be free to enjoy food without overeating. I need to start respecting my body and feeling compassion, not just for other people and animals, but for myself as well.

When I quit smoking, it was very much thanks to The Easy Way books by Allen Carr. I had to see if he had a method for tackling overeating, and fortunately, he does! I am halfway through it, and excited to see past the brainwashing when it comes to junk food.

He points out that most addictions are similar, no matter the substance. They’re all about tricking ourselves into believing that this “crutch” is bringing us joy when really, it’s creating the problem in the first place. Take cigarettes. Before I took that first drag at 15, I was perfectly happy living without it. When I first went vegan, making healthy choices and feeling excited about it was easy. I’m just grateful that I’m making this connection now, so I can go back to finding that initial joy and know that I’m on the right path again.

Woot! Problem solved. Well, not yet. I realize that this is not the time to kick up my feet. I’m experienced enough by now to know that I haven’t crossed some imaginary goal line. I probably never will. I just have to buckle my seatbelt and see where my next obsessive overdoing will pop up. At least now I’m more aware, and I can’t fix a problem unless I’m aware of it, right? I will have to befriend this “Mole” inside me and see if we can do life together in a calmer and self-loving way.

Here you will find some of our favorite vegan treats that you can enjoy with good conscience!

What have you done?

Does any of this resonate with you? What are you currently dealing with? What have been some of your tools? Lessons? I would love to hear from you! Thanks for reading and for letting me share my story. My wish is by sharing my ups and downs I can help somebody else feel less alone. We’re in this together.

Huge shout out to Kollene Carlsson with Blonde Cow Photography for these amazing pictures. You’re the best. Love you!

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